Six Things The Church Can Do To Win Me Back
OK, I’m an atheist. Let’s get that out of the way. The Jesus tale is laughable to me. The Bible is going to be a Disney movie in 2000 years, except Jesus will have a funny sidekick, and he’ll have better powers. And there’ll be some cheesy inspirational song that’ll win the 40th century equivalent of the Oscars. But I digress.
I went to church today, because I still play along, mainly because my mom likes it. And I think she’d never talk to me again if I told her I was an atheist. Not necessarily a bad thing, but whatever. Turns out they renovated the church and got new pews without cushions. That’s it. I’m never going to church again. Fuck that. The church already lost me miles ago, but this was the last straw. I obviously know that the church is probably weeping because this is the last straw, so here’s some suggestions on how to get your shit together:
1. Better television programming.
You don’t have room to fuck up on this one. I went to christian school for like 6 years. I know the shit that they shove down children’s throats. It’s fucking terrible. See for yourself:
Holy crap. At least learn to fucking animate.
Last night, I was flipping through the channels, and came upon one of the travesties that they produced. I couldn’t stop watching it. I was enthralled by it’s terribleness. There was 2 girls and a guy. One of the girls was black, but like, just barely. She had a somewhat dark face, but talked like Al Roker. She’d be on TVOne, not BET. Then there was a white girl, and the dude was Australian. What a fucking cocksucker that fucker was. He had the shitty Jewfro. How do these people live with themselves? They have to go to work, and keep a permasmile on at all times, and sing shitty songs. Then, they had a fish. A full body fish costume, but it had legs, so it just looked stupid. Then they sang some gay song about God, then they went to the zoo to brainwash some kids. You’re losing members, not gaining them. Hire some good comedians. The only problem is, most good comedians are atheist. Pay them extra to lookover that fact. Have them write whatever they want, but keep it clean. Put some Jesusy shit in it, and call it a day. If it’s funny, people will want to buy it. Then you’ll inject the Jesus, and you’ve got some more customers, er ah, I mean members.
2. Better music.
Let’s just cut the shit right now. Christian music blows. End of story. There had never been a good Christian band, ever. POD? Suck my dick. Creed? I will punch Scott Stapp in the face. I’ve been to church camp, I’ve heard the fucking songs. I have a theory that every single one of those songs is written by one guy, and performed by that same guy. He has an acoustic guitar, a piano, some drums, and some synths. He can record really upbeat, or really slow songs. That’s it. He can insert some twang into his voice as well. That’s it. This guy records hundreds of songs every year. They still all fucking suck. If the Beatles had made Christian music, I wouldn’t care. They still were amazing, and who cares if their songs are about God? It’s still awesome. The only problem is that good musicians are smart enough to see through Christianity, just like the good comedians (see Bill Hicks and John Lennon). Plus, they love heroin. So hire an upcoming band that’s awesome. No fucking Hootie and the Blowfish type shit, some good, innovative, awesome shit. Offer them a record deal with huge distribution (the Christians have billions, right?), and have them change the lyrics about Jesus. Done.
3. Change Mass.
Mass is fucking boring. No argument. The only time I ever show an emotion is at the end, when we say “Thanks be to God.” I never say that in the way they mean it. I say it as in “Thanks be to God, this shit is over.” First, more explosions and a James Brown-esque pastor. After his fiery gospel, BAM! Explosion and a shower of confetti. Then he’d break into this thing:
Shit, it’s one in the morning here, and I’m still fucking captivated. Except he’d somehow relate this to Jesus. I’m already fucking in, just because James Brown was the man.
4. Recliners
Yeah, I said it. I know everybody is thinking it in mass. “Goddamn, I’d like a fucking recliner right about now.” I’d show up if I know I was sitting in a recliner for an hour. I’d prop my feet up, and listen to some stories about a magical man that could raise people from the dead. And then we’d get some crackers and wine. Actually…
5. Fuck communion.
Don’t scrap it entirely, now. Bake some fresh bread or some shit, and give me a Coke. Apparently, Jesus tasted like crap. If you give me bread and a Coke, you prove that Jesus was the shit by keeping up with modern times, and still being awesome. Done. I’d go to mass totally now. I listen to Fr. Godfather of Soul and the Hardest Working Band in Christianity do the warm up thing, listen to some stories, watch him do the “Night Train”, take a nap in my fucking recliner, and wake up, get a Coke and some awesome bread. Everybody wins.
6. Cut the shit with the one sexual partner per life thing.
This one is totally not gaining you any fans. The only reason this shit existed was because there weren’t anything to stop the pregnancy. This bummed the J-Man, and he hated kids, so he just had to stay abstinent, and to piss everyone else off, he changed the rules so you could only have sex if you got married. Then, Charles Goodyear invented the vulcanization of rubber, making condoms easily made. I think my buddy G-Zuz would approve.
Then, you might just gain back me. Look over these things, Benedict, and then we’ll talk. You have my number.
